The Christmas Letter

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Thirteen Things about Christmas Letters

Did you write one? I did for the first time EVER! It was actually kind of fun. After blogging, pretty easy too! For those of you who may not know, the writing of a Christmas letter serves many purposes. To catch distant relatives and faraway friends up on your lastest going's on. To brag (these are actually quite humorous with the whole one-upmanship thing). Or, for me, to reflect on the important milestones of your families' past year and to record them for posterior sake...I mean for posterity ;0)

I have found that these letters sometimes bring news of sadness in someone's passing, excitement of a new job and sheer amazement of the growth of children. They also bring some serious sarcasm, cloaking and bitterness, in some cases. All of which I've received this year. Some of the things are just not things I would share with people close to me!

Here are 13 of the most interesting and their subsequent translations.
(Names have been changed to protect the stupid)

1."Thad is doing very well in school and likes to stay very busy. "

Translation: Thad can't sit still in school, is always dropping his star, is falling behind in reading because his teacher is an incompetent idiot and we can't stand her! We have to pick up the slack at home and actually spend time with our son who is starving for attention because we work 24/7!

2. "We continue to work on the house. We have most of the first floor done and are now working on the kitchen/family room area. My husbands' talents never cease to amaze me."

Translation: Our house is still torn up after a year and a half and we've just taken out a second mortgage against our kids college funds to finish the rest. My husband is so damn slow we could've had a house built in the time it's taken him to re do these rooms! I'm sick of living on sub floor!

3. "She's a bit bohemian, don't ya know"

Translation: My daughter is a fat cow and will never be a dancer. (heard these words straight from the horses mouth btw)

4. "Joe is a 6th grade student, vertically challenged, still loves weapons and I think Santa was a little perplexed when he asked for a two headed axe. He plays at skateboarding, and is a serious little wrestler, although this year he is spending most of his time on his back counting ceiling lights."

Translation: My son is the shortest kid in the sixth grade, is obsessed with all things pointy and sharp and I'm worried about it. He sucks at wrestling and can't skateboard to save his life. What is a mother to do?

5. "Fanny made a bad choice lately..."

Translation: My loverly daughter decided to take advantage of her freedom and go smoke pot with the local "Derilict- Expelled " down the street. Expelled by the way, for taking a pack of Dramamine and going to school high as a kite, but he's just misunderstood, so I just let him hang out with my beautiful 15 year old daughter because she will be a good influence on him and "change" him. Yeah right...

6. "Fred and the other animals: In the doghouse where they belong (joke)"

Translation: Not really a joke. My husband's an ass who gambled away $300,000 of my money in an offshore gambling facility and lost it all, all the while cheating on me with "multiple" women and leaving me stranded with 4 kids, three dogs, two cats and a mortgage in a pear tree. Thanks...

7. "So after enduring an evening in a 5x8 bathroom with 9 people and 140+ winds, we emerged to find our lovely resort destroyed, but our spirits intact"

Translation: My husband ran around screaming at everyone he could find demanding that we get a ride to the airport and when no one would help us we bribed the local machete men to get a van and take as many people as they could fit to the airport before we were all washed away and dead from scurvy.

7. What an amazing experience traveling abroad with 7 middle-aged women!

Translation: We had to do something...more than half of us are 50!

8. We have 3 dogs, one who recently endeared herself to the neighbors by blitzing the rabbit hutch and murdering their rabbit by breaking her neck.

Translation: translation necessary here me thinks!

9. Mentioning your very HIGH VISA bill...10 times in two pages.

Translation: Coming from a family who took ELEVEN vacations last year...uhhh...sorry...not feeling sorry for you.

10. "Mom, is Santa or his elves watching me when I get dressed?" (She hates wearing underwear)

NOT something I would choose to share about my 3rd grader with ANYONE!

Okay, and I'm cheating for the last 3. Things I LOVED about the letters...

11. Pictures of all my friends, family and their kids.
12. The ones with all the vacation and true family news and updates.
13. Hearing at least once a year from people we would really like to keep in touch with but just live too far away to see often.

Maybe it's not such a good idea to send letters of this sort to the people in your life who really know what's going on!

Any exciting Christmas letter news you'd like to share?

Other Thursday Thirteens I've visited today!

  1. Raehan
  2. Momma K
  3. Leanne
  4. Happy Feet
  5. Uisce
  6. Colleen
  7. Catherine
  8. Jennifer
  9. Chickadee
  10. Lilybleu
  11. Angie

(leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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