I'm Afraid...Stream of Consciousness

10:58 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Do you ever feel overwhelmed? Utterly humorless? Devoid of any creativity whatsoever? Completely lacking in ability? At this very moment...I'm afraid. Afraid of people discovering that I'm not only feeling these things, but feeling them, living them, all at once. That while I'm nervous about venturing into a new world, I'm excited at the same time. Afraid that once people discover these things about me that I will not meet their expectations. Afraid that they will want more from me than I can give. Afraid I took on too much. Afraid my family will suffer. Afraid that I won't be able to give my all to everything and if I can that I will be too exhausted to be useful to anyone.

In two weeks I am sending my oldest child to 1st grade and my youngest to preschool. I will start work again, as a teacher, but this time to mold the young minds of 4 year olds. I am PTO President and responsible for the biggest event and fundraiser our school holds during the year. As you well know, I don't speak my mind unless asked and it's not always what people want to hear. I am strong in my convictions and people mistake that as strength in leadership. Do I have what it takes? I don't know. It's like planning a party right? Teaching is teaching ...I'm a people person...or am I? I haven't done any of this stuff in years!! I've got people; friends, readily recruiting other people on my behalf, setting up meetings, phonecalls, references. Friends who believe in me, know me and have faith in me saying all these wonderful things about me. Who? Who are they talking about? Am I really doing what's right for my kids? For me? For my family? The Hubby will hopefully be starting a new job soon...which means more travel, which means more alone time with the kids, which means emotional upheaval, which means stress, which means confusion, which means what? I'm over analyzing I know...but I'm afraid.

I'm not looking for answers...just asking the questions...it's all a process and it will all work out the way it's supposed to. Peace...