World's Worst Day thus far...

11:17 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
This is not a funny if you do not wish to keep reading, I won't be offended. I need this.

Let me first start by saying, while I am an emotional and passionate person, I do not fold, break down and cry, and or lose my cool in a crisis situation. I am the friend you call when you are angry, depressed, need a voice of reason, want to commit suicide, leave your husband or just plain bitch. I am the voice of logic in most situations (unless I'm PMSing, but we won't go there now) and people do not know how to handle me when I'm not these things. When I cry, scream, bitch and/or lose it. There are few that can, because I do it so rarely. That being said...

Today SUCKED to put it mildly. I managed to feel like the world's worst mother and friend all in the same day. Add a bit of selfishness and self pity on top and you have a winner!

It all started when the bus was late. (See, I could actually blame this on the bus driver and none of this would've happened). I went out into the road to look up the street and see if the bus was coming. J-man #1 was none to happy with this fact and proceeded to worry I was going to get hit by the bus. I told him that no such thing would happen and that was it...he FREAKED OUT! Ran at me crying, grabbed my hand and started to pull me back to the curb screaming "MOM! Get back on the sidewalk the bus is going to hit you!" Then he proceeded to cry uncontrollably, while we waited for the bus. Then he refused to get on the bus at all. I literally picked him up and put him in the bus and he scooted underneath my arms and got off again, re-attaching himself to me as he did so.

Now, this is not normal behavior for this child, but he is one to escalate when I try to hug him, coddle him or speak to him reasonably. It just makes him cry harder. Always has. So, I waved the bus on...heard my neighbor mumble something about "Way to go...tough love you tried.. yada...yada...yada." Meanwhile, I'm walking down the road back to my house, embarrassed and laughing, because that's my knee jerk reaction to emotional situations I can't handle without crying. I was pissed. I had to be at work at 8:30, it was now 8:15 , J-man #2 was still sound asleep in bed and I now had to drive butt-head boy to school. Shit.

I told him to wait for me in the car before I killed him, went inside, called work told them I would be late and went upstairs for the 2 year old. Grabbed said sleeping child and some clothes and put him in the car. By this time J-man #1 had calmed down a bit and we were off. I'm still steamed, but a bit calmer and manage to get and "I'm sorry I scared you." out without too much sarcasm. Then made the stupid mistake of asking him "Are you going to give me a hard time at school?" Dumb, dumb, dumb...he started all over again. I got to school to the drop off and he wouldn't get out of the car. I whipped it into a parking space and got him out to walk him to his class room Re-attachment while I was carrying his brother in his pajamas into school. Stopped at the water fountain, tried to un-button his coat to get him some water and he threw the back pack down started buttoning his coat back up and re-attached himself. By this time I felt absolutely horrible, I was ready to cry and wasn't really sure I could make it to the classroom without breaking down myself.

We did, he was literally getting louder and squeezing more tightly as we got closer to the classroom. I managed to get him in, his stuff put away and to his seat. All the while, other parents are trying to talk to him, help me, keep J-man #2 occupied while I dealt with demon child, but his teacher (substitute for 6 weeks while his "real" teacher is out with her newborn) was sitting there staring at me. I was so upset that I couldn't speak for fear of bursting into tears myself. I finally managed a "Could I get a little help here?" and she jumped up with an "oh.." and managed to get him off my leg long enough for me to grab the little guy and get out of the class room.

I made it to the hallway before I burst into tears. I was so exhausted from the past couple of days events that I just didn't have it to hold it together myself. One very kind mom said to wait and she would come tell me how he was doing in a few minutes. I knew he would be fine once I left, but would I? Another Mom stood in the hallway and talked to me while I calmed down, not knowing what really to say or do, but somehow was able to get me laughing while wiping away my tears. It amazed me how many other parents I knew AND THE PRINCIPAL that walked by and didn't say a word to me. They had no idea how to handle me was actually kind of humorous.

He was in fact fine and I managed to compose myself long enough to get to the library when I was struck by another wave...My friend Lara's brother's house burnt to the ground this morning. His wife died, along with two dogs, a lizard and a cat in the blaze. His 9 year old step son had 40% of his body burned and was medi-vaced to Children's Hospital.

What the hell? I left. I couldn't deal with someone's else's crisis right now. Sorry, no uh-uh.
Got to my car, called Lara. She seemed fine and was looking for a tank for their sole surviving pet, a 4 ft Iguana named Lulu. Wow...a little to surreal.

I drove to the gym in the rain...and pretended my day would get better.


J-man #1 got home and off the bus as if nothing ever happened. Opened one of his fake birthday presents from yesterday's Chuck E Cheese party, a Spider-man webslinger, and took it down to Joe's house to play with it. Great. Normal afternoon, until the Hubs gets home, I'm ready to walk out the door to go paint, call the kid's mom and she says J-Man #1 hasn't been there all afternoon.


He'd been gone 2 hours! Where the hell was he? He ALWAYS calls when he goes into someone's house. He ALWAYS comes to tell me if he's going to be somewhere different than what he originally told me. ALWAYS!!! Where the hell was he??!!!

Major panicking happening now, esp after the days events. I just couldn't do this anymore. I started crying, running around the neighborhood, knocking on everyone's door asking if he was there. Thank God the Hub's found him at another friends house down the road. He had gone in with 6 or more kids to play in his basement and never even thought twice about it.

I ripped him a new one and left to go cry in my car so he wouldn't see me.

This is it right? Wrong.

I got to my friend's house to paint and got a phone call from the hubs to call Lara. Her nephew didn't make it. His lungs had burned from the smoke and the heat. Again..I wasn't allowed to be upset. I needed to be strong for her. And I was...and she told me that this is why she called me, because I was one of her strenghth's and she knew I'd be there for her.

So this is why I am the world's worst mom today and the world's worst friend. Because, I got mad at my kid for something I did and he was too damn exhausted to deal with it rationally, and I was too upset and feeling sorry for myself and felt I deserved it eventhough I'm in the midst of a tragedy and all I can think about is myself, how much I just want to hug and love my kids and how I'm glad it wasn't them. That, this whole thing started because I walked into the street... and how I'm so effin' exhausted right now, I"m not even making sense anymore.

If you're still here...thank you and even though you don't know them, please keep Lara and her family in your prayers. They are going to have a lot to deal with in the next few months. Love your children with everything you can and hope you can always be strong when they need you too and realize it's okay if you can't. I'm certainly trying.

I'm going to bed now and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.